Washing-line Revelations

Remind Me Who I Am

2011-09-28T14:34:00.001+13:00

Four years ago I was a Youth Pastor at a reasonably large city church in Christchurch. My husband and I made a great team, as we worked together daily planning Friday night’s youth services. He also had a full time job as a social worker. I was a full time mum of three vibrant kids. I ran a drop in centre for women working in the red light district. I was a worship leader, a preacher, a mentor and a leader.

Then we gave it all up and moved down here, following what we believed was the prompting of God.

We moved down here and got lost.

The past four years have been filled with doubt and shame, sacrifice and pain, heartbreak and frustration. We have experienced culture shock, depression, rejection, confusion over where we should plant ourselves, marriage problems, loss and financial hardship, among many other struggles. I don’t preach, I barely write, I’ve noticed that I don’t even sing in the shower anymore. If I’m honest, I regret giving up everything to move here. It has been hugely difficult. I don’t even recognise myself anymore, and when I look in the mirror I no longer see a Woman of God, a Leader, a Mentor or someone capable of doing the things I was doing before we moved here. The fire that was in me back then, that burned so brightly and powerfully, it died down until there was nothing left but ashes.

But...

There’s something strangely powerful about sitting here, where I am now, painfully aware of all that I have lost, my wounds still open and raw and in need of healing, yet wanting more than anything to lift up my near-empty hands to God and say “This is all I have. What can you do with this?”

I have been stripped of everything that defined me to others. I feel regret right now, because I’m still in the middle of it, but knowing God as I do and knowing that he does things so amazingly I believe with all my heart there will come a time when I will look at these days and think “Oh, I see what You were doing now, Lord. Nice work.”

For now, I have to heal from the things that have been done to me. I have to let go, have to forgive. Have to know that God loves me, and His hand is on my life, even when it feels like I’m in a barren wasteland. I’ve often thought in the past four years, that the shock of it all, the thing that really knocked the wind out of me, was that through past experience I knew how to reach out to God through the storm...but how does someone find Him in such a vast desert? I mean, we’ve all had those times when things are scary or painful, we’ve all experienced the “storms” of life. My husband and I, we knew we could handle those. We have before, and we came through them, strengthened as a team.

What we weren’t prepared for was the terrible emptiness, the months that would turn into years of waiting and waiting, the feeling of having everything important to you stripped away until you are standing alone, looking at your life and knowing that all you are now is a blank canvas.

And that’s not a bad thing when God is the painter.

But it is undeniably hard when you are the one who’s waiting.

I can only write all this now because in the last week I have sensed God calling me back from the desert. Even this morning, as I drove towards home, something happened, a sudden rush of God’s spirit, and the ashes within me sparked into flame again. I have this small, somewhat timid sense of hope, that somehow all of this has been part of our calling, as if we needed to go through these past four years and come through them together so that we could step into the plan He has for us. And I feel as though God is saying ‘I knew you’d be ok. Even when you thought you wouldn’t make it, I knew that you would.’

It’s true. There have been times when I thought we wouldn’t make it, at least not together, and maybe not at all. Hope hasn’t been a friend of mine some days.

But if these years of pain have been a part of something greater, then I will be glad to have been through them. Because all we ever wanted anyway was to see His plan fulfilled.

World Vision 20 Hour Famine

2011-05-17T11:31:00.000+12:00

Hey guys, I know I've been MIA lately, and can only do a quick update now. Blogging hasn't been a priority lately - I'm sore and tired and have been trying to get as much study done as possible before the baby arrives. (5 weeks to go!)

Sooo at the request of my lovely 12 year old son, I'm only on here to share a link for him. He's revved up to do the 20 hour famine this weekend to raise money for World Vision. It's his first time doing it and he's sooo excited about it. So I'm posting the link to his profile page here so that those of you who wish to can sponsor him as he and his friend will go without food, TV and playstation for 20 hours this weekend. Click on the image below to go to his page.

What Story are you telling?

2011-03-08T09:09:00.003+13:00

What story are you telling? from Rhetorik Creative on Vimeo.

A seriously good read. Get it HERE.

New Blog!

2010-11-10T10:18:00.000+13:00

Hey guys, check out my new blog over at http://hendotribe.blogspot.com/

This one will still be open but will be updated less regularly, so be sure to follow the new one as well.

xo

5 weeks

2010-10-19T21:00:00.000+13:00

I met my midwife today, she's totally lovely, very laid back and cruisy which is what I need from a midwife, so I'm happy. Then this afternoon had a scan to find out my estimated due date, which is 20 June 2011. Good times.

So I'm about 5 weeks along, which is very surprising as we thought I was further along than that. I've been feeling unwell for weeks already, although this week it has stepped up a notch. I can tell the time of day by how nauseous I am now (if I'm ready to puke and the couch is looking cosy it must be somewhere between 1.30 and 2pm). The very worst part though is not being able to think straight lol my head is all over the place (even as I type this I get halfway through a sentence and forget what the heck I was going to say!) So please forgive me if my posts ramble on at times or make little sense or just tell you a bunch of things that you didn't want to know. Or if a sentence or subject doesn't really have any connection to the one that came before it.

You'll understand, right?

Anyway so the midwife (did I mention I really like her?) she gave me a Bounty pack, as they do, when you are pregnant in NZ. It's basically a little information pack, with some discount vouchers and a few freebies thrown in. I was flipping through the "Your Pregnancy" book, and actually was surprised by how much of it seemed unfamiliar. It was a long time ago that I was pregnant, and some things have changed. These days they want to test for down syndrome and as well as taking folic acid and iron, you take iodine supplements too. Prams look like you need a licence to operate them and there's about a million different products you 'need' to make breastfeeding easier. When I had my babies your boobs were all you needed. And it helped if you sat near a water cooler cos ya got thirsty.

Well, I just got a txt that my mum wants me to call her, so better go.
xo

Pregnant Again!

2010-10-18T13:25:00.001+13:00

Yes, that's right, I'm pregnant...again. Apparently it was obvious to everyone but me. Even my doctor laughed at me, although it did take some effort to convince me I was in fact 100% pregnant, despite four positive pregnancy tests.

So the family are all buzzing with excitement right now - and I gotta say sometimes their excitement is a little annoying (lol) - it's hard to be excited while fighting the urge to throw up. Not that a new baby wouldn't be a wonderful thing, I just find it hard to focus on anything other than nausea at the moment!

And I'm very aware that I'm 30 this time, and not 24. I feel ollllld and already heavy and so very unsure of myself. It was 6 years ago that I had my last baby.

And my head is slow and I'm all ditzy and forgetful, which hubby thinks is adorable but I find very frustrating! Preggy brain sucks! (Although it could make for some very random blog posts in the next few weeks.)

But our family is growing. Apparently I am not past my use-by date yet. Good to know.

Peace.

Better Story

2010-09-17T10:45:00.000+12:00

So I've been reading this book:

for the last week or so. It's about how the elements of story, as considered from the writer's perspective, can also be applied to the creation of our life's story. Kind of. That's really over-summarising a bit, but you get the idea.

Anyway so I've been reading this book. Just slowly chewing through Part One. And I've been thinking that when we don't like the story we're in we can change it.

I don't like the story I'm in right now. I'm pretty sure my husband doesn't like the story we're in either, or he wouldn't be so busy trying to be the hero in a different story. So my prayer for this week is: Help me, God, to create a better story for myself and my family. A story that provides a role for all of us.

Damages

2010-09-13T14:39:00.024+12:00

I want to say thanks to those of you who have sent messages of love and prayers over the past few months that I have been MIA. Even when I failed to reply your messages were read and appreciated.

Things have been...rough. I wish I could say that I'm coming through the other side of the tunnel now, but the truth is I'm still flailing about in the dark trying to figure out which direction I should be going.

Last week my hometown Christchurch experienced a magnitude 7.1 earthquake. I am grateful to God that no one died as a result, as some of the stories, pictures and video footage coming out of Christchurch has been shocking.

As I look at my beautiful, broken home city, I feel so sad knowing that this quake has changed the city forever. Holes in the earth, houses and buildings falling down, some damaged beyond repair and having to be torn down by demolition crews. My home, like a symbol of my whole life, destroyed beyond recognition.

My world came crashing down around me long before the earthquake. Someone took everything I knew and loved and shook it all up to such a degree that nothing will ever quite be the same again. Now I'm standing in the ruins, trying to gauge what can be restored out of this mess. I'm so afraid there might be nothing left.

As Christchurch rebuilds, I will be too. But before I can rebuild I, like the city, need to clear out the rubble left behind by the big shake, need to assess what is still strong enough to hold on to, and what parts need to be let go of.

It all looks like rubble right now, it all looks damaged. It's so hard to see anything but the cracks. They were not there before, now they're a part of what I've spent so long building, and they're weakening the whole structure. Every aftershock that comes is causing a little more damage. What if the next one, however small, brings the whole thing down?

I'll survive. We all will.

It's just tough picking up the pieces of a life so carefully put together.

Avril Lavigne-My Happy Ending

2010-05-28T00:42:00.001+12:00

Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

Things That Don't Suck

2010-03-12T12:11:00.006+13:00

My poor little bloggy, how I have neglected you!
It’s been chaotic and pretty darn tough around here lately, so I haven’t much felt like blogging. Or rather, I have felt like blogging, but didn’t think I could come up with anything worth blogging about. I’m clinically depressed - I think my life sucks.

So, just for thrills, I’ve decided to just write a post about the things that don’t suck about my life right now. Because I’m sick of thinking about the problems, which mostly aren’t real anyway, but they seem real, because of the depression. So here goes:
Things That Don’t Suck About My Life Right Now (in no particular order):

Hubby
Hubby and I went through a rough patch for a while, and I wasn’t even sure if we were going to make it. But lately it seems that we’re finally past that and our relationship is strong again. We’re communicating better, he’s sexier than ever and I’m totally in love with him. He’s been a major support to me too, which is great, because I feel a bit like the bottom’s fallen out of my world (or my brain) and only a decent hubby could be so cruisy as he has been with my weekly trips to the doctor, new meds, brain farts and tearing up over a broken zip. LOL!

Also, I met this guy recently who, although he’s a cool guy and a great friend he’s got serious issues and has cheated on his girlfriend so many times they’ve lost count! Nothing like meeting a guy like that to give you a little perspective eh?

Teachers Who Care
Neihana is doing SO well at school this year, and is actually SMILING a lot more, it’s fantastic to see. His teacher this year is without a doubt, an answer to prayer. She seems to understand already that he’s a boy who responds best to praise, that words stick in his mind so you have to be careful with what words you speak to him, and that he will do well at school if he gets regular encouragement and one on one conversation. Last year he struggled, his teacher was quite old school, and so during the holidays I prayed a LOT about his teacher for this year, because by the end of the year I felt his spirit had been crushed a little bit. Not that she was mean to him, just that her way of doing things didn’t match up to his needs. She would point out the things he needed to work on a lot more than what he was doing well at, because she thought this was the way to get more out of him. He worked hard to impress, but always felt like a failure, because when he improved on one thing, she’d point out another thing he could improve on. This year’s teacher seems to know every little thing he’s interested in, tells him that he’s good, he’s wise, he’s funny, he’s good at things, and actually leaves him little notes in his homework book that says things like: “You were so great on athletics day” and “It’s been great getting to know you these last few weeks.” Maybe these little notes don’t seem like a big deal to her, but his face absolutely lights up when he reads them, and they have become the highlight of his week. Thanks God, for teachers who care.

Crazy Chick Friends
I know I’ve already mentioned T, but this chick is definitely something that doesn’t suck about my life right now. I love that she’s the sort of person I can cry with, and talk things over with, but also laugh with. She’s mature enough that I can tell her honestly how much I’m struggling with the depression right now, and she’ll come over and rip the curtains open and force me off the couch. “What have we got to do today?”

Then again she’ll also get drunk and come up with a dance routine called “The Pelican” which I have yet to actually see without her falling in a giggling mess on the floor, but I gather involves a lot of flapping and some jazz hands.

I love a crazy chick who is mature enough to cope with my mess of a brain, but not afraid to do immature things because I need that too.

Etc.
~ Moments with Shane, when he shares with me the surprisingly grown-up thoughts that swim around in his head these days.

~ Watching Faith get greeted by group hugs when she arrives at school every morning. Her small class is like a little family.

~ I’m on the old Telecom network, so the problems with XT have not affected me.

~ My mental health worker is awesome. She actually listens and gives great advice.

~ Cadbury Fudge Duets.

~ Hubby’s beef stew. Mmmmmm.

~ Coffee. Always coffee.

OK so now I’m just talking about food and drink. I guess I’m hungry.

Still - these words gave me peace today - thankyou Reuben Morgan

2010-02-21T22:29:00.007+13:00

Hide me now
Under Your Wings
Cover me
Within Your mighty hand
When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Find rest my soul
In Christ alone
Know his power
In quietness and trust

When the oceans rise and thunders roar
I will soar with you above the storm
Father you are King over the flood
I will be still and know you are God

Back to school

2010-02-15T10:55:00.006+13:00

So the kids have had their first couple of weeks back at school and I’m stoked about how much they are loving their new classes. Shane especially, who loves his new school SO MUCH he can’t stop talking about it, and when I woke up Saturday morning to find him doing his homework and he saw the SHOCK on my face he said “I love homework”. I had no words. (It gets even better – he actually thanked me for sewing his name onto his socks! All I could think was ‘who are you and where is my son?’) So I’m loving the fact that the school year has gotten off to a reasonably smooth(ish) start. Even if for the first week I felt like I’d been run over by a bus because I had sooo gotten out of the early morning routine! Only a small bus.

It’s been so good being able to have adult conversations with actual adult people. Not that my kids are boring or anything, they just aren’t GIRLFRIENDS.

So I’m thanking God this week for my newish friend T, because even though we met less than a year ago, it feels as though we’ve known each other forever. T is the mother of my oldest child’s BFF, that’s how we met originally, although it’s hard to tell that now because the kids aren’t always around when we get together. They used to be the whole reason why we talked, now the fact that they get along is just a bonus, and the boys love it because they get to hang out more at each other’s houses.

I’m also thanking God for the great time we had at church yesterday. Truth is, we haven’t been to church in a while, mostly because we hadn’t found a place that appeals to all 5 of us. We’d looked around, and thought we’d decided on a church, and then we decided to go back to the other one...ended up not going at all because we weren’t comfortable there and didn’t want to be church-hopping. When we discussed it we decided that we were just being proud, and that going back again was probably better than not going at all. And our kids love it, the people are nice and the children’s ministry is excellent. And it starts at 11am so we actually arrive on time without ever having to get stressed at the kids. We have a rule on Sunday mornings, no yelling at each other and then going to church and acting like a happy family lol, so I guess we are late for church a lot. But we decided years ago it’s better to be late than mean and fake. Which is harder for hubby than me because punctuality is very important to him.

My wee princess starts touch rugby this week, she signed up to play for her school and it’s her first time playing so should be interesting to see how she goes. And oldest son (who is home sick from school today, nasty migraine ugh!) has signed up for a science badge. Are these really my kids?

Anyway this has been a pretty boring, unexciting post, but I wanted to update it just cos it’s been so long. Maybe I’ll win lotto or the Nobel peace prize and the next post will be better.
Here’s hoping!
xo

Change or expire

2010-01-31T20:17:00.019+13:00

I’ve been so terrible when it comes to updating this blog. I’m not even really sure why I post so sporadically, but hopefully once the kids are back at school and we get back into a more normal routine, I will find the time for me again.

Tomorrow is the last day of the summer holidays. Not that it’s been much of a summer, although I admit the last couple of weeks we’ve had great weather.

So the kids are almost ready to go back to school. I say almost because I still have the last few books sitting on the kitchen table in need of covering. I’ve been avoiding them all day. I hate covering books with duraseal.

Shane is off to Junior High School this year, leaving me to feel like I have nothing left that is familiar anymore. Moving here has been one giant constant change. New home, new schools, new friends, new kindy, and now a new year and another new school and it seems like a new child, he’s so different these days. They all are. Faith was 3 when we moved here, now she’s 5 and independent and rolls her eyes at me and has a social life. Neihana was 6 and liked cuddles and bedtime stories, now he’s 8 and cares about Playstation, recycling, animals and apparently wearing the same clothes day after day. He hates it when I read to him in bed because it interrupts the book he was reading to himself. And Shane, oh boy, Shane is just a big bundle of quick-witted insults, hurled with hilarity at whoever dared to speak or look in his direction. He was 9 when we moved here, now he’s going on 12 and expects the whole world to accommodate his rollercoaster of moods which can vary and change like traffic lights. He is all of a sudden ‘cool’ and I am ‘uncool’ and doesn’t want to consider the fact that I might have been ‘cool’ once before but I gave it all up years ago. That there’s only so many times you can rush away from a party or an event early because “I’ve been pooped on/thrown up on and it’s smelly and starting to stain” and still maintain your ‘coolness’ factor.

We’ve gone from this:
To this:
And from this:
To this:
This was my baby:
Now this:
And hubby and I? From this:
To this:

Ok that’s an exaggeration. But it feels true. We just celebrated our tenth wedding anniversary.
(I use the word ‘celebrated’ loosely. We acknowledged it, but did absolutely nothing to celebrate it. Why break ten years of tradition?)

It’s been a long two years in Invercargill and I’m homesick. I’m homesick for the closeness that we had as a family before, and homesick for my sisters and my mum, and homesick for the church family we left behind. And I’m sad because even if we packed up and moved back home, it’s not the same anymore, and neither are we. And I’m aware that this change was what we needed, was why we moved here. I agree with Don Miller when he says in his book ‘Through Painted Deserts’: Everybody has to change or they expire. Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons. I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die.

But death so often leaves someone mourning. And for someone like me, who at times is hounded by depression, so much change can open doors to a dark place that if you’re not careful can easily swallow you whole. I can’t do it again, the familiar downwards spiral. I am the Mum here, and they need me to keep pressing on. So I do, but in the deep, honest part of me, eating away, is the thought that I fight now with so little hope left, that I fight to survive knowing that even if I do I’ll never be truly happy here.

Hindsight

2009-12-31T20:01:00.015+13:00

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Started University study. It’s going pretty good, got B’s on all my papers for this year (Yay me!) and still managed everything else, despite pulling quite a few all-nighters (ok it was mostly all-nighters for about the last 6 months). The best part was seeing the kids do well at school and when two of them received awards at the end of year prizegivings it was confirmation for me that my studying hadn’t taken away from their education, which was a concern for me at the start of the year.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My 2009 New Years resolution was to try 12 new things in 12 months. I kept it up for about 6 months, but most of the new things I tried were new foods and they were all pretty disgusting!

I also remember screaming around the place with my sisters on New Years eve that 2009 was going to be “The Year of the Bitches”. I think what I meant was that we girls were going to put ourselves first for a change and start to have some of those things we’d been saying we wanted. It was with this in mind that I enrolled for Uni, and actually surprised myself when I stuck with it.

Having said all that I’m not sure this really was The Year. One of my sisters feels she had an excellent year, the other would like to kill 2009, and me, I would have liked to have had a lot more fun. And bitches stick together, so it’s not The Year until we ALL say it is.

(I’m sorry if I have offended anyone by using the word “bitches” so many times in this blog post. I won’t say “bitches” again, ok bitches? Oops.)

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes my cat. Hahahaha!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No! At least there’s that.

5. What countries did you visit?

Invercargill...aka the butthole of NZ and YES it is another country, or would seem so if you moved here.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More tattoos.
More fun.
More sleep.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Jan 1st... cos my sisters and I got matching tattoos and now we are our own tribe.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Having my essay from my first ever uni paper chosen for publication in future study guides.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Tonight, the last New Years Eve of my twenties, and I will not be doing an undie run because it is too cold and my sisters aren’t here :(

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I went insane a number of times, but it was ok, the people knew me there.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Plasma TV for hubby for Father’s Day.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Faith got the end of year merit, Neihana got the top end of year award.

13. Whose behavior made you mad and ill-willed?
Southland(ers)!

14. Where did most of your money go?
Food, mortgage, stationery – can you believe I had to buy the same book 5 times this year because the boys both damaged their reading logs?

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
I don't generally get really really excited over anything, it's not my style. But I was pretty stoked when I passed my papers, and when I got a camera, and seeing my sisters at New Years prompted a midnight undie run (ok, undie walk).

16. What song will always remind you of 2009?
The Climb – Shane sung it with his classmates at his graduation and I almost cried, I so wanted to join in but I behaved like a real grown up.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? sadder
ii. thinner or fatter? Fatter – but that’s a good thing
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Sleeping lol and travelling and seeing my sisters.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
stressing

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent Christmas in Invercargill hanging out with hubby and the kids. We had a picnic and stuff, it was very chilled and very cool.

21. How will you be spending New Years?
Probably eating, drinking, and watching dvds with hubby. And freaking out about it being the last new years eve of my twenties and not spending it doing something more exciting.

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No, it wouldn’t be possible in Invercargill.

23. How many one-night stands?
Hahahaha, none, that’s not how I roll.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Outrageous fortune.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yes, well maybe not hate, but severely dislike. I also like people that I hated this time last year.

26. What was the best book you read?

(still the best)

I also enjoyed

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
It wasn’t a very musical year for me I gotta say, but thanks for bringing that up :(

28. What did you want and got?
camera

30. What was your favorite film(s) of last year?

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I was 29 and I got a bit drunk and went for a walk in the cemetery. It was pretty lame. But my mum surprised me by coming down from chch, so that was cool.

32. What's one thing that would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a fourth bedroom and my sisters living here too

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
A delightful combination of "Meh" and "Pffft!"

34. What kept you sane?
Nothing, I wasn't particularly sane in 2009. Studying helped prevent me from going completely over the edge though.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Gerard Butler.

Bom chicka wow wow!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
The stupid idea the government have come up with to bring standardised testing into primary schools, and their refusal to listen to the school principals and claiming that NZ wants it cos NZ voted them in. Meanwhile teachers will have no time to trial the idea, and have to implement it in Feb 2010, so there will be parents who have to be told their kid doesn’t meet the national standard, despite the fact the kid may have made huge progress. It’s a disgrace, and it is NOT a solution to drop-out rates, but possibly will be a huge factor in seeing those rates increase, although there’s no way to know really since as I said, they won’t take the time to trial it first.

Ok rant over.

37. Who did you miss?
My sisters, my brother, my mum, my hubby, myself...

38. Who was the best new person you met?
The mother of one of Shane’s friends, she’s a crack up and a good mate.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
Not only did I have no idea what I was capable of, but no one else does either, so don’t listen to them when they tell you what you can and can’t do cos they could well be limiting you – even if they’re encouraging you. Just try stuff, and if you fail it’s not that bad and could make a cracker blog post...

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
“I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.”

Magic

2009-12-17T12:03:00.004+13:00

The box of Christmas decorations that sits in storage for eleven months of the year seems to hold something more than fairy lights and tinsel, and by opening it on December 1st as we do in our house, it seems to release that extra invisible something, symbolising the start of the Christmas season and setting off little squeals of excitement, joy and hope as little hands reach into the box and take out the homemade decorations from previous years and noisily remember the origin of each one.

At least that’s how it was in past years.

This year we have an eleven-year-old in the house, who on December 1st emerged from his bedroom, reached into the box and barked orders at the other two while he stood at a distance and threw the decorations at the tree. Apparently he just wanted to get it over with, as he explained to me one night after asking me if we could go for a walk so he could let me know that he’s ‘not a little kid anymore’ and he ‘doesn’t get big thrills out of decorating the tree and all that.’

In past years, all I needed to do was put up the tree in order to trigger the magic of Christmas that bubbles up inside them. This year clearly was not going to be so easy. Being the oldest, he tends to set the mood for the other two. If he says it’s cool, it is. If he’s excited, they are.

On December 1st in our house we also begin counting down each night with chocolate advent calendars. Just before bed the kids open the little cardboard door and find a little chocolate inside, then count how many sleeps are left until Christmas day. Not-A-Kid-Anymore rips his open and devours the chocolate, then hands back the calendar, completely disinterested, but who’s gonna turn down free chocolate?

In past years after the tree was up, the tree that symbolises ‘it’s started’, they would sit down and make Christmas wish lists for Santa. This year Neihana was the one who got it started, announced what he was doing and the other two followed. The younger two had no trouble writing down the few things they wanted. ‘N.A.K.A’ grabbed the Toyworld catalogue and copied directly from it onto his paper, even including the barcode number. On day one his list had over 50 items, and was made up of things I’d never heard him say he wanted. By day two he had stapled a second page behind it and was still copying things, this time out of The Warehouse pamphlet. Now the other two had picked up on what he was doing and had added to their lists by doing the same thing.

It’s hard to explain why, but at this stage I got really really seriously intensely insanely irritated. Looking at their lists I saw things like Bakugan on Shane’s list (I know he find Bakugan really boring, like most things these days) Lego meant for a preschooler on Neihana’s list, and a book by T.S. Eliot on Faith’s list (apparently she likes the picture on the cover).

I sulked in my room for a couple of days, complaining to hubby that the kids were “killing Christmas” with their stupid lists of a million things and I told them enough was enough, that the lists were too long and they should start again but this time only add things they genuinely wanted, or I wouldn’t send them to Santa. Then I explained that they would only be getting one present from us this year (to the horror of hubby who likes to buy them presents, and was only comforted by the promise that ‘Santa’ could get them as many as he wants pfffft!) and it wasn’t because we couldn’t afford more than one gift, but because there were starving children in the world and we have a responsibility to take care of them. Shockingly, having a grumpy mum who’s threatening to give up your presents for what she decides is a worthy cause does not make for an exciting and joyful build-up to the big day. Basically I spent several days jumping between extreme immaturity and stubborn determination to put things right.

Eventually of course, determination won, as sulking in my room gave me time to digest the fact that my oldest son is Not A Kid Anymore, and that the way to get the ‘magic’ back was not going to be by depriving them or insisting on continuing with previous traditions. We still have the tree, and the chocolate calendars, and the cards, and the stories, and the presents, and Santa, but the magic didn’t really begin until we started a new tradition. I call it “Following the Christmas star.” No, it doesn’t involve a mad trek in the night, or a donkey or a baby or a stable, but I like to think it contains the essence of all those things. I wrapped a large empty box in Christmas paper and put in under the tree, with a card that says something like “Dear Santa. Please take these toys and give them to children who need them this Christmas.” I watched as N.A.K.A walked past the tree and noticed the empty box, got curious and read the card, watched his face as he contemplated the new thing, the wheels in his mind turning, then he looked at me, nodded and said “cool”. Success?! Could it actually be that simple?

In the hour that followed I watched as word spread to the other two and they quietly thought about it, me staying silent, really wanting them to drive the thing and not me, just wondering what would happen. Then suddenly, Mr Eleven puts one of his books into the box. I tried not to stand staring with my mouth open, because I know how he feels about his books. This is an actual sacrifice.

Gradually the box started to fill up with toys. I watched quietly as each of them brought a toy from their room and described the little boy or girl who might receive them. I was stoked to see them cleaning each one first, and putting into the box toys that they actually like. At one point Neihana said to Faith “not that doll Faith, you shouldn’t give that away” to which she replied (very loudly) “Yes! It’s beautiful!” What really got me was the excitement on all of their faces as they did it, and the number of times I heard the words “I love Christmas” said with a small sigh that usually comes from the accumulation of gifts, but this time was all about giving.

By the time hubby got home from work the box was overflowing and the magic of Christmas was back in the house.

Moments of Madness

2009-11-13T14:13:00.001+13:00

My beautiful cat Sophie finally gave birth to her 5 kittens on Tuesday morning, cute wee things that cuddle up together and make cute little noises and have provided us with something new to stare at all day. So it’s official. I’m the crazy cat lady.

For a few weeks anyway, until they’re old enough to be weaned and given away. But still, it scares me.

Meanwhile 3 very excited kids arrived at school on Tuesday morning, bursting with the news of the tiny new arrivals. Faith apparently had the attention of the class as she told them all how “a little kitten came out of my cat’s butt and it was covered in blood and it was so disgusking!”

Had an amusing conversation with Neihana the other day, my curious 8 year old son, when he told me he was annoyed with his friends because “sometimes they just say they believe things without thinking about it, and I think they’ve just heard it somewhere”. I was quite surprised at his insight, I mean, I know that, but I didn’t expect that he would know or even really care. It turns out he’d been having a conversation with one of his friends about God, and his friend said he didn’t believe in God because he believed humans evolved from apes. Neihana told me he listened to his friend explain how we used to be apes, and thought about it but when he asked him “OK well if you think that then who made the apes?” and his friend didn’t have an answer he just got annoyed because he wasn’t making a lot of sense.
*Giggle*

Neihana never fails to amuse. His mind works overtime with ideas and he has this huge need to just sit and talk, often. He’s also a feeling person, which makes him very different from me, because I don’t really do feelings. Hubby is the feeling person, I prefer logic, and have to remind myself that Neihana’s this little guy running around having all these feelings 24/7.

A couple of days ago he came home from school in a mood, snappy and wound up about, oh I don’t know, everything it seemed! I was pretty tired and just kind of ignored him until he threw a couple of pretty major tantrums about something or other and ended up sent to his room. I started making tea, he stayed in his room, then Shane mentioned something about a sign on the door announcing “Neihana’s alone time, keep out...” with a list of names detailing exactly who was ordered to keep out (all of us), so I told him to just give him some space for a while to let him chill out a bit.

Didn’t think anything more about it. Soon Neihana comes into the kitchen and sits down at the table, still kinda grumping but mostly over it, asks me why I bought the ‘wrong’ box of tissues. He was looking at the picture on the new box as though it was a wart or something. I told him ‘I bought those instead because they’re environmentally friendly, and I thought you’d like that cos I know it’s important to you.” (Neihana’s the guy who told me off for using gladwrap and asked for his lunch to be put into reusable bags or containers, and insisted that I change from plastic shopping bags to reusable ones, and makes us drive him miles out of town on weekends so he can plant trees with some group he’s joined. He hates anything I do to kill the planet, and I know I should care more, but I really only ever do environmentally good things to please Neihana. I’m sorry!)

So I showed him the tissue box and how it said it was all made from recycled paper and didn’t have the plastic window thingy, and let him read all the information on the bottom. Next thing I know he’s standing there sobbing and howling and asks me to come into his room with him, he wants to show me something. He gets out his scrapbook that he draws pictures in, opens it up and shows me this hideous picture that he’s drawn: picture Bad Jelly the Witch, crossed with the cryptkeeper, with a giant boogie hanging out of her huge nose and her tongue hanging out. Above it, the words “This is Mum. This is the worst picture of them all.”

I’m standing there biting the insides of my cheeks to keep myself from laughing out loud, while he’s sobbing uncontrollably to the point where he can’t breathe, and I say “Why are you showing me this?” He shows me the rest of the book, trying to explain that this is the book where he creates cartoon characters and gives them names and writes a little bio about them, just so that I really don’t miss what he’s done here, so I really understand that this is a picture of me, and it’s ugly and it’s the” worst picture of them all”. Then he turns the page and there in large letters are the words “MUM SUCKS”. That’s the moment when I lost it laughing, but he didn’t notice since it was also the moment when he started howling even louder. I said to him “Why are you upset?” he said “Cos I feel bad.” I said “Well I think it’s quite creative actually.” He said, between sobs “But it’s so mean...and you bought me those tissuuuuuueeeeesss!”

I managed to calm him down by explaining that it’s ok to be mad at me, and since he took himself away and vented his frustrations artistically, rather than scream and hit and throw things, I could forgive him for the picture, since he obviously didn’t mean it anyway. The whole time wanting to whip out my camera phone and take a photo of his drawing because it was SO FUNNY, but I couldn’t because, after apologising to me a thousand times, he very theatrically tore the pages out of his book and ripped them into tiny pieces, carrying them quite ceremoniously to the fireplace for disposal.

I wanted so badly to point out that a tree died for that, but I held my tongue like a real grown up.

Wordless Wednesday - new kittens born yesterday!

2009-11-11T09:50:00.004+13:00

Awards

2009-11-05T23:51:00.005+13:00

So today was a pretty awesome day. I won second place and highly commended in a poetry competition. Actually I won it last month, but failed to go to the prizegiving and received a package in the mail today with awards for two of my poems. Sweet! And then I checked my results online and learned I got a B- for my last Creative Writing portfolio, so I’m pretty stoked about that, although what I’m really interested in is the tutor comments so I’ll be hanging out at the mailbox til that arrives back.

Meanwhile, here’s a lovely little award that I received over a month ago, but only just figured out how to post it!

Thanks to Megs at “It started with a haircut” for awarding me this!

Here is what you have to do when you receive this award:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

Since I’m fairly new to blogging on this site I was only following a few friends blogs, but I’ve had a look around and other than the beautiful Megs, here's my 7 Kreativ Bloggers:

Widge @ “My Guide to Surviving and Enjoying life’s mundane”

stinaz81@ “Given blessings, missed in the rush...”

Kathryn @ “From the Inside...Out”

Simoney @ “Greatfun4kids”

iwrite92 @ “a writers life”

sisterem @ her fabulous self-titled blog

Cat @ “The Basso Tribe Adventures”

So here goes:
7 things about me (that you may not know....)

1. I’m kinda terrified of glitter. Yes I know how weird that sounds. It’s just the way it sticks to your hands and then it gets on your face and sparkles when you turn your head and ohhhh I hate it!! So imagine my delight when my little princess brings her creations home from school – there’s ALWAYS GLITTER!!! And she knows I hate it, and she thinks it’s funny...there’s been many a scene in The Warehouse when she finds this stupid sparkly glitter HAT, puts it on and runs at me menacingly (yes, menacingly!) and then I get horrified looks from other people when I start YELLING AT THE TOP OF MY VOICE at her to GET IT AWAY!!!!!! *Sigh*

2. When I was in my teens I kept a journal (back then they were made of paper, cos the internet didn’t exist) and I named it Jimmy. I talked about Jimmy as though he was a real person and blamed him for all the stupid stuff I did. eg. I left the heater going in my room, mum’s mad, I’d sigh and say “bloody Jimmy!” Mum thought he was my imaginary friend, although she knew I didn’t think he was real, cos I was about 14 at the time. But blaming Jimmy would make her laugh, or at least smile a bit, which was enough to get me off the hook. Little did she know, Jimmy was real, and was in fact the perfect man cos he listened to all my problems and didn’t ever try to hit on me or eat the last of the mint slice (unlike SOME people around here!!!)

3. I once went through a stage of wearing pink every day for several months, I mean LOTS of pink, I even had pink shoes, just because I overheard someone say “she would never wear pink”.

4. I quite often let out a big loud YAWN and stretch during a sad movie scene so that whoever is in the room might think that is why my eyes have tears in them.

5. I almost always wear two pairs of pants at a time, because you just never know when you’ll need a spare pair of pants and I hate carrying a bag.

6. I have a secret chocolate stash that my children don’t know about, and not because I intend to surprise them with it, but because I don’t want to share it. I have had a secret chocolate stash since I was 12 years old and first began my monthly chocolate cravings.

7. I daydream a lot about owning a dusty secondhand bookstore, that has old comfortable couches and wooden coffee tables in front of big windows. We have poetry readings at night with scented candles and only a few people show up and they look scruffy and dreadlocked and wear woollen scarves, even in summer. It’s a cool place, but none of the customers have any money so I guess I don’t sell many books, but it doesn’t matter cos the conversation is so good.
xo

Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-04T14:20:00.006+13:00

Love

2009-11-03T18:54:00.002+13:00

Sometimes things tick along sweetly, spring arrives, you take a big breath and enjoy the feelings of bliss that come after getting through winter and you cruise into the warmer months knowing that the Christmas holidays are almost here and there’s good times ahead.

But when it’s not like that, when things don’t tick along sweetly, and the big breaths you take aren’t so much a sigh of relief as a pause while you figure out what to do, it’s good to find that in that spring air there’s still a sense that God is standing right beside you, with a questioning smile on his face, as if watching to see what move you will make, while at the same time knowing you well enough to already know exactly what you’ll do, and you know that he trusts you to go into the rough and not leave him.

This last week I learned that my big sister was going through some hard stuff in Christchurch, and as I sat here praying for her, and hoping for the best I felt so helpless and upset for her, and as I talked to God about whether there was anything I could do or should do I knew that this time was different from any other time before. In the past my sister has been the one to take care of us, when we go through hard times, like when we lost our baby, she shows up and supports us. She’s not so good at letting us do the same for her though, and I knew if I went to her I’d be going as the little sister and that’s exactly how she’d see me, so she’d try and be strong and maybe my being there could do more harm than good, since she would most likely hold everything in until I left again. But God said change that. And I knew too, that if I went to her she’d see me as the Christian one, the one who hangs out with Jesus, and she’d look at me and I’d represent everything that she didn’t believe, and maybe in that light everything I’d say would sound text-book and patronising and preachy and unrealistic.

It’s funny how easy it is sometimes to reach out to a stranger or someone you don’t know that well. When it’s someone close, you can make excuses that because they love you they won’t hold it against you if you aren’t there for them right now, especially when they know you have your kids to take care of, and money’s tight, and it’s a long drive and you have your own life...it’s funny how all those excuses, although real and totally valid, all seem so trivial when you’re talking to the Almighty. Cos you know he’s going with you, and he’ll watch your kids, and your car, and your wallet.

Sometimes when you talk to God there’s this moment...it’s like the silence that follows an explosion. It’s a different kind of peace. Something’s happened, something’s changed and you’re a little scared in spite of the fact that you know you’re safe.

What changed in me was my willingness to remain sympathetic. I couldn’t say anymore I wish I could be there, I had to actually go and let my sister know that things had changed. We talked and cried and drank and talked and talked.

And now I’m home with my family and there’s still that scary peace; that feeling that there’s still something required of me. I know right now I’m in the aftermath of some significant moment spent with God, that something is different than it was before I decided to stop thinking, and just go with my gut instinct to drop everything and run, to let my sister have a turn to be the one taken care of.

There’s a reason why he says to love. Because it’s the most powerful thing we can do as humans, and we hold ourselves back from doing it.

You know the feeling when you go to the funeral of someone you were close to? That feeling of love and regret, that perfect combination that makes you speak from your heart about how you felt about the person? You say the sweetest things, remember the good times and the bad, tell stories to others about them. You drop what you’re doing to go to them, wherever they are, even if it means travelling. And you love them without holding back.

What if God means for us to love like that all the time? What if love is only truly working when we do it without counting the cost?

I think I always knew it in my head, that love is a sacrifice. But I think I’ve been doing it all wrong. I try to feed the poor and hungry, and pray for the sick, but I so often avoid really letting my feelings get too involved. I keep my distance in relationships. I mind my own business. I don’t get hurt.

But there’s something so powerful about dropping everything and running to someone, with no agenda other than to be there so they know they’re not alone and know they’re loved.

I came home and tried to slip back into the usual routine, but so much of what I do is worthless and tainted in light of the realisation that I’ve been so closed and distant for so long. I think it’s ever since the baby died that I’ve been like this. It’s no good. I almost didn’t go to my sister because that wasn’t how we usually did things in our family. How terrible would it have been if I hadn’t known it was time for things to change?

No one is meant to be alone.

Rollercoaster

2009-09-14T14:14:00.005+12:00

What kind of person starts a blog and then doesn’t bother to update it for weeks?

Things have been crazy around here lately. Hubby was off work on stress leave; basically he’s burnt out, and now has to go about making changes to the lifestyle that caused it in the first place. That’s over-summarising a little bit, but I guess we’re still working it out. My initial reaction was to take on everything and not let him do anything, including confiscating his cellphone so I could screen his calls. I pretty soon came to realise that was going to drive both of us crazy, so we’ve had to learn to communicate better about what works for both of us, even though we thought we were pretty good at that.

Study was pretty much put on hold for a few weeks, which was really very stressful. I’m in the last part of the semester now, so not having the time to work and having to ask for extensions on a couple of assignments was so irritating, but I had to do it. I’ve only today managed to get back on top of things. Sent off a huge assignment today, 22 pages, 6676 words huge. The due date was today and it was an electronic submission, so unbelievably I made it on time. Now I just have two more to go and I’m done for the year! Yay!

My little girl, my baby, who was only just born, has her first school visit tomorrow. I don’t want her to turn 5 or go to school, but nobody really cares what I want, and I think that’s very selfish of them. She’s MY baby and I shouldn’t have to share her!

I’ve resorted to having fantasy conversations:

Me: My little girl’s about to start school.

Teacher: And how do you feel about that?

Me: It sucks. I don’t want her to grow up yet.

Teacher: Then she shouldn’t. We’ll put it off for another 5 years to allow for your perfectly reasonable and rational response. After all, she’s perfectly fine at home with you.

Me: Thanks. See you in 5 years.

Teacher: Only if you’re ready. If not, we’ll delay it again until you are.

Of course, this fantasy conversation doesn’t leave room for Faith’s voice, which I imagine would be something ranging between a shrill squeal of anguish and a violent angry protest. She wants to go to school. She’s been ready for months, and can’t wait to finally start. Nearly all her friends have gone on before her and she feels very excited about joining them. But she’s my baby!

There is a sense that I’m about to enter a new chapter of my life, and I guess when you do, something else has to end. And I know that a few weeks into it I’ll probably be lapping up the 6 hours a day I have to do what I need to do, and the fact that for the first time in 11 years I’ll be able to clean the house and it will stay that way all day, and not having to watch Hi-5 and Dora the Explorer every afternoon will be a huge bonus too, since I’m pretty sure that either Dora or Charlie from Hi-5 could be the one to push me over the edge one day, but at the moment, every day, I’m having these moments of gut-wrenching nausea at the thought of sending my youngest off to school every day. And now the cat is pregnant, so there’s a chance I might actually be sitting at home becoming the crazy cat lady. And when the mormons come, I might let them in just for someone to talk to. Or I might burble incoherently and throw a cat at them.

Or I might actually get to write something that’s worth sending to a publisher, or get my Christmas shopping done before Christmas Eve.

It’s a rollercoaster I tell ya.

Opening a Vein

2009-07-22T13:28:00.000+12:00

The beautiful thing about a personal blog is that it serves so many purposes. First and foremost, it gets the creative juices flowing, and leaves me with a sense of satisfaction, even relief, after publishing. It gets the brain active, and it doesn’t seem to matter about what. But blogging is something more than simply an intellectual warm-up exercise – I know this because I’m no good at exercising, and when this is what it becomes, I am not disciplined enough to write. I tried earlier this year to blog as a warm-up between the school/kindy drop-off routine and my morning study time, but I found it lacked the satisfaction that comes from exploring and discovering within my own imagination, and so I lost the enthusiasm for it.

Previously I’d kept a blog for several years, which became more like a friend, one that I could tell everything to and not feel judged, or compelled to explain or justify. In the year following the loss of my third child through miscarriage, that blog became my very best friend. I poured out my soul in every post – I questioned, raged, doubted, accused, hoped, feared, desired – and all without fault or interruption. It was beautiful, and it was exactly what I needed.
But the ‘newness’ of my current life requires a new page. The previous blog is, to my mind, leather-bound and complete. Nothing more can be added. So here I find myself, at the prompting of a friend who writes from the heart with such honesty and understanding that it seems at times she is holding up a mirror. My initial fascination with her writing has prompted once again the cravings to blog for myself.

I am hesitant to describe what kind of things I might write about here, since I’m a firm believer in Forster’s idea of “How can I know what I think till I see what I say?” But if my life situation is anything to go by then with a husband and three kids, a cat, an assortment of extended family members who feature heavily in my everyday life, the move into a new town just a year ago, a new church experience which can be compared to a carnival ride I went on as a kid called ‘Viper’, the beginning of a BA in English, a background of clinical depression which rears its ugly head from time to time, sports, school, kindy, and the day to day running of a home while trying to maintain some sanity, grace, and the ability to still call myself a genuine follower of Christ, then I would hazard a guess that this blog will have its ups and downs, each post will have its own flavour, and perhaps the best description might just have to be “Reflections of a Stay-at-home-mum”.