Tuesday, November 13, 2012

All Babies Bring Joy

It's been one month since you left us.
One month since my body finally let go of you, after clinging to you for two weeks after your heart had stopped. {I didn't want to give you up without a fight, my love.}

We were robbed of any memories to speak of.
What I wouldn't give to talk about the colour of your hair, to have felt it, soft under my palm, as I smoothed it back from your forehead. Or the curl of your lips as you slumbered, tiny in my arms. These things are only imagined. {How beautifully cruel the imagination can be, so vivid and detailed.}

I don't want to speak of you as if all you were was a medical condition. I don't want to tell people the story of how you left us, how I lay on my bathroom floor, bleeding and semi-conscious, my body in shock from losing too much blood too fast, until I was rushed to hospital.

The imagined memories are so much more lovely than the real ones.

Except...you didn't exist in my imagination. You were really here, inside me, and I felt you there. And though it was too, too brief, your time here was complete. You had already become part of our family, we had talked about you, made plans for you, changed things to make room for you. One month has passed, and I'm still finding little reminders, stinging reminders, that you lived. A bag of clothes as I'm putting away washing; a brochure for car seats as I'm clearing out my bag; a hand-written list as I'm searching for stickers.  And though these little reminders stop me in my tracks, though they sting like a sudden, unexpected slap, they are the evidence of a life lived here with us, and for that I am thankful. Your life was not lived wholly tucked away, but spread out through this house and through our lives, no different from your brothers and sisters, only shorter.

All babies bring joy to families who love them, no matter how brief their life is, and you were no exception. You brought joy through the plans we had for you, and perhaps my greatest joy is that one month on from your passing, I miss you. Only someone who had known you could have that terrible joy.

We will be reunited someday, all of us together finally, and it comforts me to know that for you, and for your sister who went before you, now in a place that exists outside of Time, that reunion will happen in the twinkling of an eye. For you, there is no waiting, only peace and love and togetherness. You exist in a place where you have already felt the warmth of your Daddy's smile, the tenderness of my kiss on your beautiful face, and known the joy of standing with your brothers and sisters and laughing and shouting and holding hands.

One day I too will know the feel of your hand in mine.
Until then, I will think of you and smile, miss you and treasure the imprint of you on my heart and on my life.


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