Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Some days


Some days I wake up sad. Nothing happens to set it off, I just wake up that way. I sit in my house, and stare at the walls for hours. The dishes sit unwashed on the bench, the dirty washing sits on the floor. I think about moving off the couch to do some housework and it puts me in a strange kind of panic. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to get dressed, I most certainly do not want to talk. If the phone rings, I won’t answer it. If someone comes to the door, I’ll pretend I’m not home. I want to be alone, to feel sad and lonely alone.

There’s a rational part of my mind, a kind of inner commentary, that knows this is a bad day, and knows at the same time that if these bad days keep happening, I’m going to have to go back on medication. That part of my brain that’s self-aware, always quietly monitoring the freak-outs, the mood swings, and the headaches, ready to sound the alarm if the bad days stretch into weeks, or if I sink too low. The part of me that’s always trying to weigh things up and recognise when the scales tip.
I want it to be quiet. I want the rational part of my mind, the part that’s trained and cautious, to just give in and let the sadness engulf me, take over, and be all that there is. But at the same time, I’m so afraid that it will.

Some days I just wake up sad.


6 comments:

  1. Thinking of you, and praying for you. Would love to have a catch up in person next time you're in Christchurch - send me an email.

    ReplyDelete
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  3. Hi,

    I'm a new follower... while I haven't dealt with the depth of the sadness you express in here, I can understand it within reason. I have had PND and general depression also - some days I still just wake up sad; but I thank the Lord I am past the point of hiding away now, 2010 almost did my head in at times.

    Hoping tomorrow is a better day,
    Elizabeth

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  4. You have expressed this feeling so well. Sometimes I feel a bit blah and the mornings I feel rubbish but i'ts not really the same depth as this. Sounds though like you can think through it and have a handle of where to go with it...

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  5. Hang in there. We all have days like this. But, if yours start seeming worse than usual, make sure you reach out for help. xo

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  6. Hi everyone, thanks for your comments. I'm ok really, just wanted to try and capture the moment while in the middle of one of these days.

    ReplyDelete

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