Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Get Away, Darkness

Things have been a little tough for me lately.  Being pregnant is actually a lot harder this time around. I’m gaining weight already, tired all the time and moody and just generally pretty blah. I tell myself that this baby is kicking my butt because it’s strong and healthy, which is true, but mostly the reason I’m struggling so much is because I’ve had to go off my depression medication for a while. It was either stop taking it or risk the baby developing a heart condition. Wasn’t really a tough choice.

But even though the choice was easy, dealing with the symptoms of depression is not. Suddenly I remember why I went to the doctor for medication in the first place. I can’t concentrate or think straight, my mind races most of the time and it’s exhausting. I can’t seem to keep up with the housework because every little task takes so much longer, since I can’t focus long enough to know what I’m supposed to be doing. So I have a constant mountain of washing to do, there’s always dishes piled on the sink and the house looks pretty much like a bomb’s hit it. It’s depressing, but every little thing requires so much effort that I feel like I’ve run a marathon pretty much every minute of the day. So I’m constantly trying and failing when it comes to the state of the house.

And the worst part is, grumpy Mum is back. Grumpy mum who flies off the handle over stupid things, and takes every little child’s tantrum personally and just can’t cope with the kids. I hate grumpy mum.  I hate that I’m aware of her but can’t seem to put a lid on her, especially in that morning rush before school.

It’s not all bad. I’m making sure to get one on one time with each of the kids so that there are moments of joy and peace where they get to connect with Normal Mum. I’ve been open with them, explaining my illness and how it affects me. And Hubby is being a great support, reminding me to be realistic about what I can manage, and giving me rest when I need it. He helps with the housework (which actually makes me feel worse, but I appreciate the thought...) and cooking, and doesn’t say anything about what hasn’t been done that day, even though he’s a major clean freak.

So I’m surviving, but seriously needed to vent a little bit, to just get it out so all the guilty feelings about being inadequate and useless are actually on the outside of me for once, instead of rolling around inside my head over and over again.

Get away from me, Darkness.
Come fill me, Light.
Fire of God
Within me ignite.

Quit now, Discouragement.
Run away, Fear.
I may be damaged
But Faith can repair.

Surround me now, Stillness.
Draw nearer, Peace.
Leave me now, Sorrow.
Anxiety, cease.

Eyes, lift your focus.
Turn back towards the Son.
Soul, keep momentum
Towards the beautiful horizon.

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